Yesterday I took a trip to my small local grocery store and got a call from my best friend about her amazing time at the Women’s march in DC. She was giddy with excitement and we shared about our hopes and ideas and experiences participating in the actions of the day. As I left the store, a man who was checking out looked up at me and said “You’re so cute, so beautiful, what’s your name?” I looked at him but made no reaction and continued my phone call. He followed me out of the store and repeated the same line. I turned and said “I’m on the phone” and he said- loudly- “Oh, she’s too loud though, that’s too bad.” I was livid. I was almost to my car at that point but I turned back and approached him and said loudly: “You are incredibly rude. You are being extremely offensive.” His provocation had worked in getting me to talk to him so he went back to trying to be charming “You are so beautiful, so cute, what’s your name?” I repeated that he was being offensive and he said “No I’m not! I’m not offensive.” to which I shouted “It’s offensive if I’m offended!”
Still on the phone, I told my friend what happened and watched, incredulous, as the idiot proceeded to park my car in with his car, roll down his window and try to talk to me. I stared directly at him and held my middle finger up until he finally relented- 30 seconds later- and drove away.
I pulled out of the lot and stopped at a red light only to realize I was at the street corner where, a few months ago, after spending the day canvassing for Hillary Clinton, a drunk man followed me on my walk home at night and harassed me for a full block until reasonable conversation failed and I had to scream “get the fuck away from me!” to make him realize I was not being coy, not playing hard to get, not fucking around. He looked at me like I was crazy and had completely overreacted and finally retreated.
Abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the offender acknowledges it. I don’t expect someone who’s harassing me to fully realize the negative impact they’re having. In fact their denial- willful or otherwise- is usually a given, but the attempt to nullify someone’s ability to take offense can be just as bad as the problem that cause that offense in the first place. You don’t get to tell me how you made me feel. You can disagree with my reaction to it but you don’t get to refute it. I will tell you how you are making me feel and I will make direct eye contact with you so you know I am present, I am a person and every word and action I direct toward you is with intention.
It’s a strange feeling to have been a part of what was evidently the largest rally/march/protest in U.S. history. I haven’t been changed, my life is as it was. Maybe that’s because I went to a small version of the event (“only” 11,000), maybe it’s because I was already tuned in to feminist issues, or maybe it’s because nothing has actually changed. This single act of harassment called to mind a dozen others. Each is minor- too small to merit much of a response in and of itself, but its supposed triviality only undermines my right to my own hurt feelings even more. However small, I am determined to be vigilant against these violations, to shout even if it is unbecoming, to allow myself to be offended, to feel pain, and to continue to rely on the feelings of victims- not their perpetrators- in deciding if something hurts.
The sign I held at the women’s march was a message to president Trump saying: “we will hold you accountable.” Today, I want to make it clear that message is not just for the President, it’s for anyone who tries to violate me.
4 Replies to “It’s offensive if I’m offended”
“American women don’t like men…especially their husbsnds …” …..Hedy Lamar
Mark, this is a curious comment to make here. I am surprised that your impression was that I do not like men when in fact the point is that I don’t like being harassed. I like men enough to see the difference! (Most men don’t treat me this way). If you want to dig into this further I’d be really open to that.
Reblogged this on Fuzzytek and commented:
Great post from a friend. We are living in a time when courtesy has ducked out the door for too many. Too many young males brought up without a father figure, looking for guidance in the streets and finding it with street bullies. If they have a known father watching his behavior hitting on woman after woman, with a dozen offspring or more waiting to be claimed. We have as an electoral body representing the people put trump in office who is proud of pussy-grabbing and treating women as trophy objects polished up and put on display. Sorry but that is #NotMyPresident. I’ve watched far too many grown boys (they aren’t really men by their actions) cat-calling women and openly being in their face. Confrontation is most often a negative word and you’re trying to make it work for you. If this sounds like your formula for picking up a woman – think about who responds. Those who have accepted being maligned and offended. There’s no wonder relationships pass like cars on a busy street when you have no love or respect for self or others.We live in a commodity age as consumers. But people aren’t products to be bought, traded, sold, discarded, trashed. There is no rating system that applies to people because each has unique qualities and gifts they bring with them. Those gifts aren’t likely to be shared with the uninformed, stupefied masses watching TV and drinking Coke.Brothers please get your life together. Dominance isn’t the way for living in cooperation with others. We have to stop bully behavior when its witnessed, and listen if someone calls you out as a bully. Learn to love and respect yourself – then maybe you can find an opening through that work to bring listening, love and respect for others into your life.
These days these boys on the street treat women as disposable commodities. They aren’t men when a woman is something they buy, trade, discard, trash. Loved the post enough to reblog, hope that’s alright.