On a trip to Germany years ago, I was chastised by complete strangers while riding the subway on two separate occasions. The first time, I was drinking a beer (legal in public but not legal on the train apparently) and the second time, I had my feet up on the seat opposite (not quite illegal but certainly rude). In both instances, a passenger saw my wrongdoing and called me out. For my part, I corrected my aberrant behavior and that was it. I could have ridden the subway all day and night without encountering a police officer to punish me but, as it was, I learned an easy lesson without receiving a ticket or using up city government resources. That is the power of public accountability. Continue reading “Public Accounting”
Coming Home
My submission to The Moth Ann Arbor Story SLAM topic: “Home” Video available here.
I grew up in the small town of Chelsea, Michigan. And when I went to college I attended The University of Michigan, only 15 miles away. What this means is that, for the first couple decades of my life, my world was rather narrow, geographically speaking.
But while I was I college, I met my future husband and he changed all that. Together we have traveled to 5 continents, and over a dozen countries, we have lived in Australia, South Africa, and France. My whole world expanded. Continue reading “Coming Home”
The Breakwall
When fate conspired to hold my mail
and I could not re-take the trail
I happened on a friendly male.
He took me to the lake.
Way past the main street thoroughfare
we walked the wall without a care
and then returned with tousled hair.
A nice place for a break.
Trapped
When I first moved to New York City, I lived smack-dab in the center of midtown, under the shadow of the Empire State Building. I spent my days searching for a job and exploring my new city. One warm fall day, I dressed in a cute flowy skirt and went for a walk down Broadway. It felt very iconic, strolling down the avenue, passing shops and restaurants, seeing fashionable business-men and women. I boldly made eye contact with good-looking men as they walked by. Here in New York City of all places, these mysterious men regarded me with interest. I felt powerful, beautiful, and strong. How wonderful to be considered attractive by a stranger! Continue reading “Trapped”
Earth god, Sky God
When I was young, my God lived in the sky. With angels and believers by his side, He looked down at me from Heaven, and I sent my prayers into the air so that He may listen.
As an adult, I lost that God. He does not exist to me now. There is no one watching, listening, guiding, or even judging. He no longer serves as an explanation for everything I cannot understand. There is no room for God behind the last known star in the sky.
I don’t want it to be this way but it’s just the truth. Sometimes I miss praying. More often, I miss the security of Knowing. The loss is deep. Continue reading “Earth god, Sky God”
Defiance
When you move to a large city like New York, you join millions of others who make it their home. Whether you know it or not, you are affirming their choice to live there and they are validating you right back. Your collective presence is evidence that you’ve selected a desirable location, and that means something. Continue reading “Defiance”
CH@NGE
The mathematical symbol for change is a neat little triangle Δ. I can remember drawing it on my notebook with a pencil and wondering why my pencil ended up back where it started. That pretty shape is little more than shorthand for futility, like a dog chasing its tail. There has to be something better.
And yet, I have to admit that the clean little package contains an uncomfortable reminder that most attempts to change actually don’t result in much of anything new at all. How many times does a person have to quit something before they actually quit it? For every last cigarette, every for-real-this-time break-up, every “give it over to god”, there are 500 re-runs of the old bad habits. The cold truth is that most attempts to change revert back to uncomfortably familiar territory. Continue reading “CH@NGE”
Should: The Ultimate Obscenity
If I had a transcription machine tied to my brain, it would document my thoughts. I could shuffle through the pages it generated and review my internal dialogue. I would probably laugh at a few bits, underline certain insights and skip over the inane fluff. And then, like a diligent paralegal, I would redact every instance of the word “should,” crossing it out with a fat black magic marker. I can imagine how the pages would look, heavy with back ink bleeding through the sheets of paper, rendered impure by that pervasive insidious word. Continue reading “Should: The Ultimate Obscenity”
Sadness, Striped
Every so often, I get sad.
I let it happen because I am human and alive and that’s part of the deal.
Sadness is a natural variation in the spectrum of human experience, it happens. And when it does, that doesn’t mean it defines you. It is part of you but it is not you. Black stripes on white.
For some though, sadness is something more. So familiar it isn’t noticed, so suppressed is it obscured from view. It is the baseline on which everything else is layered. White stripes on black.
When I feel it, I wonder:
How far down does my sadness go- is it who I am or what I feel now?
and if it runs deep, with black underneath, then can I change it anyhow?
Infinity
When I was in 7th grade, I got in a fight with my Math teacher about infinity. We were learning about decimals at the time, and he taught my class that, there was an infinity of numbers between 0 and 1. Even though one minus zero is one and that is finite, decimals can go on forever and it is not possible to get to the end of possible numbers between 0 and 1. Ok, I’m with you. Then he went on to say that there is also an infinity of numbers between 0 and 0.5. Now wait just a minute. I got what he was saying, but I couldn’t accept that there one infinity could be bigger than another. I disrupted the class with my arguments until he threatened to make me stick my nose against the blackboard for the rest of class and I finally capitulated.
I am no less frustrated by this concept now than I was then, though I’ve learned to accept it. What choice do I have? It is true. Infinity doesn’t include Everything. Continue reading “Infinity”